Faulty Women, Excused Men
The first question that jumps to our minds upon hearing of one of the usual horror stories of domestic abuse is a question that bluntly justifies the actions of the transgressor. What did she do to provoke him, they ask as though something ever could justify such inhumanity and violence.
When a woman (or anyone, for that matter) tells you that she had been assaulted in some manner, you ultimately believe her. Consciously believing the victim is an easy process, but actually unconsciously and wholeheartedly believing the survivors is a long one. We’ve been raised to some “values” and habits that actively and loudly disbelieve the victims and gaslight them.
“If you become aware of your automatic habits and you are conscious of your unconscious behaviors, so you cannot go unconscious behaviors, then you are changing.”
- Joe Dispenza
- Analyze your questions to the survivors
Some questions are better left unasked while others speak of internal misogyny. We all have a bit of internal misogyny deep-rooted inside of us as these are the practices of our society; this is okay. What’s not okay, on the other hand, is not trying to change that and accepting what you’ve been born to blindly.
- You are not owed a backstory to decide whether a case is worth it or not.
The idea that you need to know all the details before taking a stand against an obviously inhumane situation is one that you should drop, and now rather than later. I get not wanting to make claims with no backstory to support it, but what I don’t get is not wanting to fight an issue in general terms when it’s not “trending”. This fight is not a trend, and if you think it is, then hop the hell off it.
- Your opinion isn’t relevant.
What you think she should have done, what you think he meant to do, what you think had actually went down – this all is irrelevant and faulty. Whenever you find yourself, even internally, giving your opinions passionately and so strongly, hold yourself accountable.
- Recognize that survivors are way more than their traumas.
Associating a specific person with a severe emotional trauma is far from compassion and decreases their value as a human being to the value (or “size”) of their experience. Survivors aren’t “fragile” or broken, get this! You are not a better person because your lack of trauma.
- Give up the ‘good guy’ mindset.
“He seems like a good guy,” they say. Please refer back to the point stating how your opinion is not of any relevance – at all. Your opinion about their harasser does no change to the fact that they’ve been violated. In fact, this is an extremely gaslighting phrase to hear and makes the survivor think that they are hyper-amplifying a minor incident.
These are a few examples of how we unconsciously harm survivors; this is a reminder to hold yourself accountable. To every survivor reading this, I believe you – no matter what.
